Divorce-Proof Your Marriage: One Toxic Word to Avoid
What’s inside: It creeps into your relationship over time, so you might not even notice the devastating effects. If you’ve let this one thing take control, it’s time to fight to save your marriage.
I’ve noticed something in my marriage that scares me. It is something that is so toxic to a relationship that it has the power to destroy it, if left unchecked over time.
One Word Can Destroy a Marriage…
Anger.
To clarify, I’m not talking about extreme anger or violence. I’m talking about the normal emotion that arises at the end of a long day.
When you’re exhausted and your patience has worn thin.
When your spouse does something that just grates on your last nerve.
The kind of anger and frustration that makes you snap and say things you wouldn’t normally say to someone you love.
Anger is Like a Cancer
Often, when I find myself getting angry at my husband, my first thought is “I’ve got to show him just how angry I am.”
Why? Because I want him to make me feel better.
Let me tell you, it’s not a very effective strategy. Anger pushes people away, so they are actually less likely to give you the love and affection you are seeking. Anger is like a cancer that slowly eats away at the foundation of your marriage.
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It’s just about impossible to completely eliminate anger from our lives, BUT you can divorce-proof your marriage by changing the way you deal with that emotion.
Instead, try letting your partner know what is upsetting you. Make the focus be about a thing or behavior as opposed to the person themselves.
For example, one of the things that stresses me out the most is trying to keep up with never-ending chores, especially when I have a lot of work.
Here is a constructive way to talk about it:
“I’ve had a lot of extra things on my plate in the past week and I’m feeling overwhelmed by the housework. I could really use some help to get caught up.”
Here is the angry way:
“I can’t keep up with the chores because I can’t do it all! You never DO ANYTHING!”
Being “Right” isn’t Always the Right Thing to Do
It might feel good in the moment to say something hurtful. And yes, words do hurt. However, it’s not worth the guilt and the pain you caused your partner, just to win in that moment. Plus, it doesn’t work.
If the script were flipped, and your spouse were saying these things to you, which statement would make you most likely to want to help them? Which statement would make you angry back at them?
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What’s Actually the Problem?
While talking it out, you might find that the root of the problem actually lies in something that has nothing to do with your partner at all.
Stress at work, kids testing your patience, bills and finances can all create stress in our lives. When this stress builds up, it can cause us to lash out at those closest to us.
We often behave the worst to the people we love the most.
Why? Because we feel safe — we know that we can say anything and they will still be there in the morning.
Or will they?
Sure, the occasional spat probably won’t break up a marriage. But if it happened every day, wouldn’t that get old?
When you choose (and it is a choice) to be angry at your spouse and tear them down instead of lifting them up, can you be so sure that they will tolerate that indefinitely?
If they did, why would you want that for them?
Here’s a Word that DOES Work…
You’d be amazed at how well a simple “I’m sorry” works.
If you already slipped and blew up on your spouse, be the first to reach out and reconcile.
Let them know you love and appreciate them too much to spend any more time being angry. What might surprise you is how good this makes you feel too.
Anger is a natural emotion, and in itself is not the enemy. It’s how we deal with that anger that can tear down our relationships OR make them stronger by dealing with those feelings together.
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I try to bear this in mind and employ techniques to help me deal with my frustrations – but it’s always good to have a reminder. I think I am guilty of feeling appreciative of my husband, without always relaying it to him! (I’m going to tell my husband right now how much I appreciate him!)
Great post. 🙂
Thank you Kate! I am guilty of that too– I try to tell my husband how much I appreciate him every day, but sometimes I know that I don’t do it enough. It was actually the inspiration for this post.
This is a great reminder to keep our anger in check and to ask for help or attention when we need it. Thank you!
Glad you liked the post Leigh! Thank you for letting me know 🙂
This is a great reminderabout how to constructively deal with stressors in life without blame. you’ve written a very powerful message. Thank you. 🙂
Thank you Deborah 🙂
I learned this the hard way in my marriage 8 months in….my marriage could’ve ended but with a lot of prayer & work 6 years later we are still going strong. Take time to talk out your problems & always make time to drop notes or words of appreciate & love. Keep God center & it’ll always work out. Thanks for an awesome reminder that anger if unchecked can kill.
Thanks for sharing your story Regina! Marriage definitely is work, but sometimes it is the small things that make a big difference, like the love notes you mention. 🙂
Great post, Deborah!
I think it is also important to remember that they are on the same team. With the rest of the world against you, who needs your lover against you too.
I know this first hand as it ripped my marriage apart to the point we are getting a divorce. She would love to try and work it out, but for me, and years of trying to get her on the same team… At some point it can become too late.
Thank god I’m not married yet cause my partner always tell me that he want to get married I told him not yet because I’m scared but I have received an advice from an old lady she told me that all you have to do is put your trust in God cause he is a great god he is powerful and he can change anything if you just pray everything is possible with god I met that lady in church every Sunday morning I go to church and I have seen a lot of changes in my life .